You know that sinking feeling when your best performer suddenly stops contributing ideas, shows up late, or worse—just shuts down completely? Most leaders assume it’s a personal issue, but what if your pursuit of excellence is actually driving away the people you need most?
In this candid co-host conversation on Hardcore and At Ease, I’m joined by Nancy Dakin, who served over 30 years in the Air Force as both fighter pilot and commander, leading teams of 100-200 people through high-stakes missions. Listen to the full episode 4 here: [EPISODE LINK] to discover the crucial difference between inspiring excellence and demanding perfection—and why one builds unstoppable teams while the other destroys them.
The “Figure It Out” Leadership Trap
Nancy shared a story that reveals something most ambitious leaders miss about their impact. After approaching her senior leader for help on a complex issue, his response was simply: “Figure it out.”
“I was crushed. Like, I’m asking for a little bit of help to try to figure it out and you’re telling me to go figure it out,” Nancy recalled. “It’s just disheartening when they say, ‘you can come to me for anything. My door is always open.’ And then you go to the door and it slams in your face.”
Here’s what’s happening: when high-achievers finally swallow their pride and ask for guidance, they’re not looking for you to solve their problem. They’re looking for partnership in tackling something that’s genuinely beyond their current capacity. The “figure it out” response doesn’t just reject their request—it communicates that you don’t understand the courage it took to ask.
The irony? Nancy did figure it out, created a solution that was shared wing-wide, but the damage to trust was already done. How many breakthrough solutions are your people developing in isolation because they’ve learned not to bring you their biggest challenges?
Excellence vs. Perfectionism: The Team Destroyer
Nancy’s insight cuts to the heart of why some leaders inspire greatness while others create burnout: “Excellence, I think, is more of a team venture and perfection is more of a personal… trait that some of us have. But it can help with your obsession to strive for excellence.”
Think about your last project review. Were you focused on how the team elevated the standard together, or were you internally critiquing every detail that wasn’t executed exactly as you would have done it?
Nancy described flying sorties where despite extensive planning and preparation, “inevitably nothing ever goes as planned. Nothing’s ever perfect. No matter how many times you chair fly it or go through in your mind how it’s gonna go, it doesn’t go that way.” Yet these “imperfect” missions achieved their objectives because the entire team—maintenance, operations, air traffic control—was aligned around excellence, not perfection.
The difference is profound: Excellence focuses on achieving the best possible outcome with the resources and constraints you have. Perfectionism focuses on eliminating any deviation from an ideal standard that may not even be realistic or necessary.
The Warning Signs Your Intensity Is Becoming Toxic
Nancy revealed something that should concern every driven leader: “When you say burnout’s different for everyone… it could be, you know, they just don’t show up anymore or show up late or, you know, aren’t participating or feel like whatever they’re contributing isn’t enough.”
But here’s the warning sign most leaders miss—your own frustration with your team’s pace. Nancy described the internal tension: “It’s like, okay, I’ve watched. I don’t like the way this is going. So now I must insert myself, you know, to get that control back of what’s gonna happen.”
When you find yourself constantly stepping in because things aren’t moving fast enough or aren’t being done “the right way,” you’re not demonstrating leadership excellence—you’re revealing that your perfectionism is overtaking your team’s development.
The Others Over Self® principle becomes crucial here: your pursuit of excellence must serve the team’s growth, not just satisfy your need for control. True excellence develops when people feel trusted to contribute their unique strengths toward a shared standard.
The Sustainable Leadership Framework
Nancy’s 30-year career offers a masterclass in sustainable high performance. When I suggested she had managed her career sustainably, her response was telling: “Is it? I mean, you just keep going. You get up and you keep going and you keep doing.”
This reveals the Hardcore and At Ease™ framework’s Trust the Process element in action. Sustainable excellence isn’t about perfect execution—it’s about consistent commitment to standards that serve something bigger than yourself.
Nancy’s approach included:
- Physical standards as team builders: Using fitness requirements not as individual achievements but as shared challenges that created camaraderie
- Process improvement over perfectionism: “I’m always huge on process improvement… Because the more efficient you are the more productive you are the more you can get done”
- Mission-serving control: “For me personally, it’s mission serving. I mean, I don’t think I’ve ever been in it for personal gain. It’s always been for team gain”
What You Can Implement Today
Reframe your “figure it out” responses: When someone brings you a challenge, try “Let’s figure it out together” and schedule specific time to partner with them on the solution.
Distinguish excellence from perfectionism: Before giving feedback, ask yourself: “Is this about achieving the best possible outcome, or am I demanding my specific approach?”
Create “recess” for your team: Nancy’s insight about childhood recess being our favorite time of day applies to adults too. Build in physical challenges or activities that let people connect as humans, not just as role-players.
Watch for shutdown signals: If your highest performers start showing up late, contributing less, or seem disengaged, examine whether your intensity is inspiring excellence or demanding perfection.
Listen to the Full Episode
Get the complete conversation with Nancy Dakin, including her insights on strategic planning for junior leaders and the leadership lessons from 30+ years of military service. [Listen to the full episode 4 here: EPISODE LINK]
Join the Community
Ready to keep your edge without going over the edge? Subscribe to Hardcore and At Ease wherever you get your podcasts and join thousands of mission-driven leaders at join.othersoverself.com
Develop Your Leadership Framework
Want to implement sustainable excellence practices with your team? Check out our T.A.R.G.E.T. methodology articles at OthersOverSelf.com and transform your leadership from demanding perfection to inspiring excellence.
Meta Description: Learn why perfectionist leaders burn out their best people and how to inspire excellence without demanding perfection from 30-year Air Force Veteran Nancy Dakin.
Social Snippets:
- “Excellence is more of a team venture and perfection is more of a personal trait” – Nancy Dakin, 30-year Air Force Veteran
- The “figure it out” response doesn’t solve problems—it shuts down the courage it took for your best people to ask for help
- Your frustration with your team’s pace might be a warning sign that perfectionism is overtaking leadership excellence
